Better Parenting Guide

I had never really associated football with being a single father, other than both happened on weekends. After all, what do two teams trying to score touchdowns have to do with raising children? However, I soon realized that all the elements that make football so fun and exciting to watch was the answer to also making my parenting time fun and meaningful. Here are some examples:

Parenting Tip #1: Clarify the playing field
Every football field has sidelines and end zones. This allows the players to know what the field of play is and when they get rewarded. Children also need this same structure as they may be unsure about what is acceptable behavior is and what is not, plus when they get rewarded.

Parenting Tip #2: Establish basic rules
Football players know to stay on their side until the ball is snapped, you cannot rough the quarterback, and after ten yards you get a first down. Rules help children of all ages understand when they are not behaving in a way that meets your expectations. However, you do not need a rule for everything. John Madden, former NFL Coach and long-time TV Analyst, said, The fewer rules a coach has, the fewer rules there are for players to break.

In my home, we only have six rules:

1. There’s no maid, so everyone helps out encourages teamwork.
2. One thing at a time shows there should be some form of order.
3. We share and take turns promotes cooperation.
4. First things, first can be applied to homework before snack, etc.
5. Dirty clothes go in the hamper helps arrange things in a certain way.
6. Say please and thank you creates an environment of respect and appreciation.

Parenting Tip #3: Allow for choices
In football, a team can choose to run or pass or on fourth down to go for it or punt. Your guidelines should allow for choices within a certain parameter, thus helping children feel they have at least some control. Plus, by establishing guidelines, your children’s choices will be acceptable.

Parenting Tip #4: Same game home or away
Are there one set of rules for a football team when they are home and a different set for when they are on the road? Of course not. Keep this in mind when establishing your structure. This does not mean that your home has be run the same as their other parent’s; yet, do not go to extremes to make it the opposite. There are some benefits to having some consistency for your children. Plus, this makes it less likely your children will be able to manipulate the parent at either home.

Parenting Tip #5: Be consistent
Nothing upsets football players, coaches, and fans more than when the referees call an inconsistent game. That is why there are six referees, whistles, and instant replays. As single parents we do not have the luxury of instant replays to see what really happened, nor am I suggesting you wear a whistle. Notwithstanding, once the structure is established, it should not change on a regular basis. This will allow your children to adjust to the expectations, thus making your life as a single parent easier.

Parenting Tip #6: There will be rule infractions
Even within a football game there are still times when infractions happen. Defensive holding is a five-yard penalty, while roughing the kicker is a 15-yard penalty and an automatic first down. Similarly, children will occasionally break the rules. When this happens, there is a benefit to the parent if the penalty for poor behavior is pre-determined. I suggest involving the children in determining what a fair penalty is. For example, if your child comes home more than 10 minutes late, then he/she should not plan on going out the following day. If they are aware of this ahead of time, there will be little argument and less stress for you as the parent.

Parenting Tip #7: Time outs need to be managed
Finally, when a quarterback doesn’t like what he sees from the defense, he calls a time out. He goes to the sideline, talks it over, has a drink of water, and then goes on with the game. Although time out is a common form of discipline, remember to explain what behavior your children displayed that was unacceptable and how long they will be in time out. A rule of thumb is one minute for each year old they are. Do this without yelling, so the child focuses on their behavior and not yours. After a short time, give them a drink of water, thus changing their focus from being upset to settling down. When the time is up, have them explain why they were on time out, give them a hug (or in football, a friendly pat on the butt), thank them for not doing it in the future, and go on with your day.

David Justus is a fatherhood coach and the author of the upcoming book, The Single Father’s Playbook, and has a website for single fathers with helpful parenting tips and information at http://www.singlefathersplaybook.com.

Being a single parent inherently comes with challenges. As a counselor, often single parents ask what mistakes they need to avoid when parenting their teenager. Many single parents are concerned about any consequences of their divorce that could negatively affect their teenager. Here are some common mistakes to avoid:

Mistake 1: Lying to them

Honesty is always best, especially when parenting teenagers. First, today’s teenagers are quite savvy and know when they are being conned. Also, dishonesty only destroys trust, which is something that is needed most during this transitional time.

Mistake 2: Avoiding discipline

Wherever there is a lack of any discipline, there is manipulation. Dictionary.com provides this definition of discipline, “Training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement.” Notice the emphasis on improved character rather than punishment.

Mistake 3: Eliminate any structure or routine

Divorce is a transitional time for everyone involved. Each person’s routine is adversely affected. A structured home environment filled with routines and chores provides a sense of order and ownership. This is beneficial particularly if there is chaos resulting from the divorce.

Mistake 4: Forget about them

As a single parent, you are forced to wear many hats and fill many different roles - often simultaneously. In addition, you are in the midst of trying to provide a stable home environment, work full time, and recover from the emotional adjustment of a being a single parent. In the midst of this, I encourage you to find some time to be intentional on spending time with your teenager on a regular basis. Help them to see that you are available to them, and concerned about any needs they may have.

Mistake 5: Continue fighting with your former spouse

If a marital relationship has been turbulent, then many teenagers anticipate a divorce will bring about a much needed sense of peace. However, if conflict continues after divorce has been finalized then your teenager may experience some emotional difficulty adjusting to the divorce. As much as you are able, try to keep any discussions with your former spouse cordial and focused on your teenager.

Mistake 6: Don’t get them any outside help

Divorce can affect teenagers in many different ways. Some may open up emotionally and sharing their feelings freely. However, others may withdraw from family and friends and become reclusive. Others may enter into some behavioral problems that may have not been there before. If you have any concerns about how your teenager is recovering from the divorce then I encourage you to seek out a qualified professional counselor.

Mistake 7: Assuming nothing is wrong

Another common parenting mistake is to assume that your teenager has been completely untouched by the divorce. There lives seem undisturbed as if the divorce is a minor incident in the tapestry of their lives. And this is true for many teenagers. However, there are others that will give the appearance that all is well, when in fact the opposite is the case. They may do this to save face for them, or they can react this way to give their parents one less thing to worry about. Communicate with your teenager on an ongoing basis about his/her feelings about their new life and its challenges.

Are you looking for more common sense advice, practical solutions and even humor for parenting your teen? I invite you to check out http://www.parentingyourteenager.com/ where you will find tips for parenting teens, school, curfew, and more!

Terre Grable is a licensed professional counselor. She enjoys helping parents and teens become better friends when they feel like enemies.

The period from birth to two years is known as Infancy. The infant grows rapidly during this period. A baby experiences tremendous physical, mental, emotional, and social development. Many times, parenting involves on the job training, in that we learn to deal with situations as they arise. All parents, at one time or another, question whether or not their child is growing and developing as they should be compared to other children of the same age.

It is important to remember that all children are unique, and no two children grow at exactly the same rate. Some infants are very calm and quiet, while others are more active and demanding of attention.While each baby has his or her own “schedule,” all babies develop in similar patterns. This article will focus on the child’s development from birth to 12 months in all the areas of physical, mental, emotional and social development, along with some guidelines for parents to help their child grow. We will begin with child’s physical development.

PHYSICAL DEVELOPMENT:
From birth, children have an innate ability to adapt to the surrounding environment. They just need re-enforcement to get used to the environment in which he/she is brought up. Right after the birth to 2 months, baby recognizes his/her mother through smell. He will turn head towards the source of sound, but is only able to see clearly for the distance around 2 feet. As the time goes and the baby reaches the age of 3 months, he is able to hold finger or rattle. This baby can hold up head when lying on stomach and starts gaining regular eating and sleeping patterns. When an infant becomes 6 months of age, he/she can reach for objects and sit with support. Now the baby can see things far away and can take solid food, here he gets his first teeth. From 7 to 9 months, he/she starts crawling and sit alone for a short period of time. He uses his thumb and pointing fingers to pick up objects. By the end of 12 month, baby drinks from and cup and eat with fingers. He pulls to stand and stands alone, now he is able to walk holding onto objects and can throw a ball.

MENTAL DEVELOPMENT:
Once a baby is born, he/she starts copying the facial expressions of adults such as frowns, smiles or surprises as early as 2 days of age. By third month the baby starts responding through cooing sounds to adults who talk to him. Talking to the baby at this age helps in brain development. As 6th month approaches, infant responds to the talk of adults through sound and movement, which goes on till 9th month. By the end of 9 month, baby copies speech sounds. He is now able to connect situations, for eg, he knows what will happen next when someone begins to prepare for bath for feed him. Here the child responds when his/her name is called. As 12th month approaches, baby starts speaking his/her first words. At this stage the child becomes aware about the fact that the things do not disappear because he/she cannot see them.

EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT:
Soon after birth, as the parent responds to the baby cries, he/she learns how to control his or her emotions, and accordingly clam himself/herself. As the child approaches 3months of age, he/she communicates through his cries if something is wrong. For eg, cries for a wet diaper is different from cries of hunger or pain. By 6th month, infant learns how to feel and show various emotions like joy, pleasure, sad, fear and anger. At the end of 12th month, this child is able to show different emotions, using sounds, actions and facial expressions.

SOCIAL DEVELOPMENT:
The baby starts developing a strong bond with his/her mother soon after birth. Similarly he/she starts associating with the people around him. Baby has different has responses to mothers and fathers. He/she tends to be more excited and active when with father, and more clam and relaxed with mother. By 3rd month. the parent or care giver helps in forming and strong bond which helps the child to soothe himself. At this stage lot of loving touches, and eye contact is needed to help develop strong bond. As 6th month approaches, baby is able to create a bond with more than one person. He/she enjoys talking and playing with adults and older children around. At the end of 12 months, the baby is now familiar with the people around. He is now able to express himself/herself more clearly. The child now recognizes familiar people around and is now able to express his/her needs more clearly.

As we have come to know about the various stages of infancy, here are some points which parents can keep in mind to help their child grow.

· Crying is the first way of communication for baby to his/her parents. As parents you can help the baby develop a sense of trust and to feel secure by coming to the baby when he/she cries. As time passes parents are able to tell what baby needs through his cries- food, dry diaper or just to be held close.

· While feeding, baby must be held close, so that he/she can see your face while being fed, along with lot of touches and strokes. This helps to develop a strong bond between the parent and baby.

· Reading and singing to your child can help in learning to talk by hearing others speak. Babies love rhymes, song and picture books.

· Be sure to put baby to bed on his/her back. Remove pillows, stuffed toys and fluffy blankets from the bed. If blanket is needed, bring it up only as high as under arms and tucked in at the bottom. At times baby can get smothered on soft bedding.

· Choosing a proper caretaker for an infant is a Must. Choose someone who is able to spend time holding the baby, talking to you baby and who will make sure that area is safe and clean along with attending to all the needs of the baby.

· Provide a safe home for your baby. As infant begins to crawl, as through crawling the child explores the area around him and the muscles get exercise to grow strong. It is important to remove all the unsafe objects out of his/her reach. Be sure that all the electric outlets are out of the baby’s reach. Also keep small objects away from infants, as they have the tendency to put anything around in their mouth. The baby might swallow and small objects and choke.

By keeping all the above mentioned points in mind, You as parents can help your child to develop into a healthy normal individual and as well cherish each and every moment with your little angel.

Deepika Haldankar, is a freelance writer, having experience with working with children with different age groups since last 3yrs. She has majored in Human development and Family Studies, along with Human Resource Management and Guidance and Counseling. She has taken up writing as a hobby as well as one of the source to gain and impart knowledge.

Angie was brought up by rigid, authoritarian parents who kept her on a tight leash. They rarely considered her feelings about anything, showing a complete lack of empathy and compassion for her feelings and desires. If she came home five minutes late from school or from an activity, she was punished. Yelling and hitting were their favorite forms of punishment.

Angie was a good girl. She did well in school and did what she was told, but was often sad and lonely and never felt important. When she married and had her own children, she knew that she didn’t want to treat her children the way she had been treated. She wanted to consider their feelings and needs. She wanted them to feel valued and important.

Angie was a very loving mother. She spent lots of time with her children, playing with them, listening to them, and giving them much affection and approval. However, because it was so vital to Angie that her children feel valued and important, she often put herself aside and gave in to their demands. Because Angie had never felt important, it was easy to put herself aside. She actually believed that her children’s feelings and needs were more important than hers. As a result, Angie swung the other way from her own upbringing and became a permissive parent.

The consequences for Angie of authoritarian parenting was that she didn’t value herself. The results for her children of permissive parenting was that her children grew up with entitlement issues, thinking they were more important than others, and often not being caring and respectful toward others.

Neither authoritarian nor permissive parenting is loving parenting. Loving parenting is parenting that values both the parents’ and the children’s feelings and needs. Loving parents do not attempt to control their children – other than in actual situations of health and safety - nor do they allow their children to control them. They do not violate their children with anger, blame, or hitting, nor do they allow their children to violate them. They do not expect their children to give themselves for others, nor do they give themselves up for their children.

Loving parents are parents who deeply value themselves enough to not worry about being rejected by their children. They are willing to set solid limits on unacceptable behavior and are not available to being manipulated by their children. Their identities are not tied into their children’s performance in school or in other activities, such as sports. Nor are their identities tied up in how their children look. They are accepting of who their children are as individuals, even when their children are very different from them. They do not impose their way of being onto their children, yet at the same time they solidly reinforce a value system that includes honesty, integrity, caring, compassion, kindness and empathy.

As much as we want to be loving parents, unless we have done our own inner work to heal our own deep fears of rejection and domination, we will automatically be acting out of these fears without being consciously aware of it. If you grew up with fears of rejection and/or domination, you will automatically protect against these fears in your relationships with your children. You may find yourself trying to control them out of a fear of being controlled or rejected by them. You might be controlling with your anger or with your giving in and giving yourself up. Fears of rejection can manifest with children through trying to control them with anger, or through trying to control their love through giving yourself up to them. Fears of domination can manifest through controlling them with anger or violence to avoid being controlled by them. Insecurities can manifest through attempting to get your children to perform in the way you want in order to define your worth.

In one way or another, whatever is unhealed within you will surface in your behavior with your children. Raising healthy children means first healing the wounded child within you – the part of you that has your fears and insecurities, and your desire to protect against rejection and domination.

Our society has swung back and forth between authoritarian and permissive parenting and the result of both is far less than desirable. We have only to look at the number of people taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs, as well as the number of alcoholics and drug addicts, as well as the rise of crime and the number of people in prisons, to know that neither method works to raise healthy individuals.

Perhaps it is time to accept that we need to be in the process of healing ourselves before becoming parents.

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com.